Home > Game Previews, MLB > Red Sox Game 61 preview: WE ARE GOING TO LOSE

Red Sox Game 61 preview: WE ARE GOING TO LOSE

We are going to get KILLED. Players are going to DIE. Good players, even! This is going to be the WORST GAME EVER.

1. CF Jacoby Ellsbury – .268/.337/.372 (.313 wOBA)
2. LF Jonny Gomes – .173/.321/.298 (.284)
3. 2B Dustin Pedroia – .330/.412/.455 (.379)
4. DH David Ortiz – .327/.399/.614 (.424)
5. 1B Mike Napoli – .271/.357/.495 (.366)
6. RF Daniel Nava – .298/.395/.496 (.378)
7. C David Ross – .189/.283/.453 (.319)
8. SS Jose Iglesias – .426/.455/.574 (.443)
9. 3B Pedro Ciriaco – .234/.315/.383 (.306)

SP Jon Lester – 79 IP, 65 K, 23 BB, 5 HR; 3.53 ERA (124 ERA+)
3.30 FIP, 3.70 xFIP, 3.92 tERA, 3.71 SIERA

  • Having just returned to the lineup, Jacoby Ellsbury will tear his groin muscles off the bone while stealing his 17th base of the night.
  • Despite having Ellsbury on base in front of him nine times, and him always getting into scoring position, Gomes will go 0-9 with 9 K. He’ll still bat second against lefties.
  • Jose Iglesias will hit eight twelve-hop ground balls, and they will result in: Single, single, double because Nelson Cruz slipped and couldn’t pick up the ball, single, single, single, double play to kill a rally in the eighth inning, single.
  • Dustin Pedroia will dive into first sixteen times, breaking all nine of his not-already-injured fingers and also dislocating his right shoulder. Despite being physically unable to hold a bat or throw, he will continue to play, putting up a line of .000/.056/.000 until the All-Star Break, at which point he will go on the disabled list.
  • After hitting his third home run of the game, Daniel Nava will pull off an elaborate series of masks, revealing that he is actually Alex Rodriguez, Ryan Braun, Bartolo Colon, Jhonny Peralta, Robinson Cano, all of the other Biogenesis players, and Anthony Bosch. He will then be served with a 15,000-game suspension.
  • Despite having the lineup turn over nine times for him, Jon Lester will take the loss. After the game, his doctor will tell him that his ERA is now as high as his white blood cell count, and that that is very, very bad.


  • Negative enough for you, Sportspun?
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